Let’s Talk About Caregiver Guilt

Why Caregiver Guilt is So Common—and What You Can Do About It

Caregiver guilt is something I hear about all the time. Whether it’s a spouse caring for their partner or an adult child supporting aging parents, so many caregivers feel the weight of expectation—and judgment—when considering a move to assisted living or memory care.

“I Promised I’d Keep Them at Home”

One of the biggest sources of guilt is a promise made years earlier: “I told them I’d never put them in a home.” I’ve worked with many families stuck between that promise and the harsh reality of how much care their loved one now needs. The truth is, caregiving is incredibly hard. And for many people, it becomes unsustainable over time.

Take, for example, a woman I recently worked with whose husband has significant dementia. She’s done everything she can to keep him at home—taking him to adult daycare, organizing visits with friends, keeping him active and engaged. She told me, “I think people won’t judge me because I’ve done everything I could.” That comment stuck with me. Because underneath it was the unspoken fear of being judged—for letting go.

When Guilt Collides with Safety

I also worked with a gentleman who was caring for his nearly bedridden wife. He was elderly himself, and started falling frequently while trying to care for her. Even after he finally made the decision to move her into a care community, he carried a heavy burden of guilt. And yet, waiting much longer could have led to a serious injury for him—or her.

It’s easy to say, “I should be able to do this,” but sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to accept help.

Not Everyone Is Meant to Be a Caregiver

Some of my clients are in what’s known as the “sandwich generation”—still raising their own children while also caring for aging parents. They're juggling jobs, school schedules, and running two households: cooking, laundry, medications, appointments. It’s exhausting. And still, there’s often that voice in the back of their mind whispering, “But I promised…”

Sometimes those promises were made under very different circumstances. And sometimes they were made to people who didn’t want to leave home, no matter what.

When They Don’t Want to Move

This is another heavy guilt trigger: “How do I make this transition when they absolutely don’t want to go?”

Often, the shift to a care community happens after a crisis—a fall, a hospital stay, or a rehab recommendation that they’re no longer safe at home. It’s heartbreaking, but it can also give families the momentum they need to make a necessary move.

There are also ways to ease the transition. One approach I sometimes suggest (and it’s not a lie!) is to frame the move as temporary. Since assisted living and memory care are month-to-month leases, you can say, “You’re here to recover. If things improve, we can look at moving you back home.” This softer approach can reduce fear and help your loved one feel like they still have some control.

For more more ideas on what you can say to your loved one, please watch the video here (or above).

The Bottom Line: Be Kind

Caregiving is deeply personal, and every family’s situation is different. Some people thrive as caregivers. Others struggle. And sometimes the best care option is one that supports both the caregiver and the person receiving care.

So please, if you’re a caregiver: be kind to yourself. If you’re not a caregiver: be kind to the people who are.

What matters most is making choices rooted in safety, dignity, and love.

If you’re struggling with caregiver guilt or considering a move for your loved one, I’m here to help. Reach out via phone, text, or email—I’ll walk alongside you, every step of the way.